Long ago, in a land far away, lived a young knight.
He spent his days wandering the kingdom looking for dragons to slay, ogres to overcome and most of all, distressed damsels in need rescue.
Sadly, dragons and ogres seemed in short supply but there were always plenty of damsels.
He appeared before them on his charger, his armour shining in the morning sun, his head held high like one who would discover the Holy Grail if only he knew what it was.
The damsels looked down from their ivory towers and rolled their eyes.
Many years passed, and the knight grew old, and tired, and rusty.
Too late he realised that dragons didn't exist; that, apart from a few examples working on the tills at Poundland, there were no ogres either but most of all, damsels were more than capable of rescuing themselves.
"I am not needed" he said, and retired to a dark and boggy corner of the kingdom.
In time, he met a beautiful lady who looked kindly upon him, dusted him off and took him in.
That day, as he wandered poetically by the village pond, he vowed that he would win her heart.
At that moment, the dark surface of the waters parted and the Lady of the Lake appeared to him.
In her hand was a mighty weapon.
"Take this and use it well, and her heart will be yours" she whispered in the rising mist.
The knight hurried home and straightway employed Excalibur upon the toilet until it shone.
Filled with the thrill of daring do he cleaned the bath, put the top back on the toothpaste and in a moment of inspired magnificence even remembered to put the bins out on the right day.
When the lady returned she looked at him as never before.
"You are my hero" she said, and they lived happily ever after.